Dear Universe

 

IMG_1410

 

If there’s one thing I am certain about, it is that life is not easy. We face many challenges, and I truly believe that they are sent our way to test us. Whether we fail or we succeed, there is always something to learn.

I know that I have faced a fair few challenges in my life, and I daresay I feel that I have faced more than my fair share. But despite this, I believe that I have attempted everything that has been thrown my way, and by consistently trying, I have developed a stronger mindset.

I have failed more than I have succeeded. But failure has not been a bad thing – I have learned so much from my failed attempts, and the information I have gleaned from these failures have only better equipped me to try and try again.

I firmly believe in everything that I have stated above, because I have experienced it first hand. But I am also human. I have emotions, and I feel things very deeply.

Right now, I feel deeply hurt and rejected. It may not have been my wisest decision, but I have voiced to the Universe that I am disappointed, and I feel ripped off.

Have you ever experienced that sensation where you felt something was going to happen?Like the Universe was trying to get you attention to tell you something?

In August last year, I felt a change in the air. I was overcome with a sense of calm and a strong feeling that good things were coming my way. I can’t describe it any better than that, except that it was more than just a feeling, I KNEW that good things were coming.

And good things did come! A position I had hoped to apply for down the track had opened up. Although it came up 18 months earlier than I hoped, I have never been one to walk away from an opportunity. So I applied for the role, and was successful. I was finally making a move forward in my career, and I was escaping the toxicity of the office!

The new role was back in Perth, where I grew up. Although I really didn’t have a desire to leave Sydney – I love Sydney with my heart and soul – staying in that office environment was slowly destroying me.

Perth represented a break from me – I could ease into my role with less stress, and I could afford time to recharge.

Aside from my career, I have always wanted to be able to share my life with someone. I wanted a partnership with someone who equally wanted to share their life with me. Someone with similar goals and beliefs. We would support each other, we would help each other grow, and we would bring out the best in each other.

I had always hoped that I would meet a partner, but I also knew that if it never happened for me, I would still be fine on my own. To be honest, I was prepared that I would never meet anyone. But then, right at the 11th hour before I moved back to Perth, the Universe presented me with a wonderful gift – I met a man who was everything I had ever wanted.

The timing was not ideal. But he was worth it.

We fit so well. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone so quickly before – I never had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, and I trusted him so much that I began to tear my walls down. He felt the same way – he told me that he felt he could tell me anything and be himself with me at all times.

When I found him, I felt like I had found my home. I didn’t feel scared. I felt safe and calm.

Despite the distance, we swore to each other that we would make the effort, because we both believed that we were worth it.

For awhile things worked. Until one day, for no apparent reason, things stopped working.

To cut a long story short, he stopped communicating openly with me. No longer did he confide in me, and he withdraw all intimacy from me. He started confiding in someone else, and I suddenly found myself on the outside. And to this day, I don’t know what happened. He no longer opened up to me. I know that I did nothing wrong. But I can’t get rid of the strong feeling in my gut that something, or someone, played a part in him changing his mind.

As much as I want to know the truth as to what changed and why, I also know that in the whole scheme of things it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he stopped choosing me.

I have so many thoughts spurred on by unanswered questions. But once again, all is irrelevant as he stopped choosing me.

I was ready for love in my life. But he suddenly decided that he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure what I meant to him anymore.

I have spent a lot of time learning to love myself. I know that I deserve to be loved. So as much as I truly love him, I knew that I could not hang in there any longer, waiting and hoping against hope to find out if and when he could/would love me back.

I chose him. But I became an option. And that broke my heart.

I didn’t want to, but I knew that I had to preserve myself. I ended things.

Words cannot describe the heartbreak. I love him. I love him in the purest sense – he is a good man. I love him as I do my best friends.

Love means not holding on, and so I have had to let him go. I have no control over the situation. I can’t make someone ready. I can’t make someone love me.But I do wish him the best. I hope he heals. I hope one day he will be able to let someone love him.

Universe – I can’t help but feel so incredibly disappointed and ripped off. Why would you taunt me like that? All I had ever wished for was given to me, only to be taken away just as quickly.

Maybe he really wasn’t ready and he needs time to heal first. Maybe he just wasn’t the right person. I don’t know.

I’m frustrated and angry because I don’t see what this was supposed to teach me. Yes, I am impatient. But how many times to I have to suffer this heartache? It feels like that feeling of deep hurt is the only constant left in my life.

Universe – If I am not meant to have love in my life, then please stop playing games with me. I cannot handle any more heartbreak . It’s becoming harder and harder to repair the damage each time. I’m still grieving other losses as well, and I’m finding it difficult to find the light again. If anything – please help me heal. I need your help.

Universe – I ask you to help me let go and release this pain. Help me heal. I will move on.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Sucker punched

It’s been awhile since I last wrote in this blog. My last post was right before I turned 30, and I suppose it was a farewell of sorts – a farewell to my younger, immature and somewhat misguided self. It was not a sad farewell, but a gracious and thankful one.

I was thankful for all the childish mistakes and reckless decisions I had made, because despite the hardships and hurt I had endured, it was not without moments of joy and achievement, and I had learned so much through my experience of it all. The journey I had in my 20’s opened my mind up to many different types of people and environments, and I slowly discovered the power that I held within myself. I started to understand that the to ability to grow and change was never in the hands of another – it had always been within my own grasp. As I gradually developed myself and I started to make positive changes in my life, I also began to embrace and appreciate my truly multi-faceted self. In other words – I grew up.

Turning 30 signaled the end of my youth, and the beginning of my adulthood. Now that I had discovered the secret – that my happiness was a power I had control of – I could enter the next phase of my life stronger, more confident, and more driven than I could have ever imagined. If I wanted to achieve something, I knew that would put in the effort to ensure that I did. I knew that I could do everything on my own.

Fast-forward to the present. It is 18 months later I am now 31. I’m sure it goes without saying that I have experienced a lot during my absence from this blog. But have I achieved what I set out to when I said farewell to my 20’s almost 18 months ago?

The answer is yes. And also no.

I entered my 30’s with more confidence than I could have ever imagined. I felt almost invincible. Whatever I put my mind to, I achieved.

Here’s my list of YES’:

  • I finally underwent my BA, something that I had always wanted to do (as mentioned in previous blog posts) The procedure went smoothly – I had barely any pain (YAY), and I paid for it with money I had saved specifically for. Mortgage-free puppies (DOUBLE-YAY!!) meant that I appreciated them even more. AND they gave me a confidence boost. YES!!
  • I enrolled in my Fitness Course as a part-time student, and despite working full-time in a highly stressful and busy sales role, I completed both Certificate III (Fitness Trainer) and Certificate IV (Personal Trainer), whilst still performing well in my job. I became a Personal Trainer by June 2015. YES!!
  • My body was the strongest it had ever been due to my fitness course and my regular strength training sessions. YES!!
  • In July I had the best month ever at work and broke my monthly revenue record, and set a new aftermarket sales record. YES!!
  • In August, I applied for a new mobile role back in Perth, and was successful. YES!!
  • Later that month, I met a man. YE- 

Wait a second.

Say WHAT?!

That was not part of my plan. Not at all! But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t something I had hoped would happen someday.

After a run of so many YES’, I finally got sucker punched.

Sucker punch

That punch left me reeling. From having a clear set path of where I was going and what I was going to achieve, I suddenly found myself set on a slightly different course.

Was it ideal? No! Should I have been surprised? Well….. No. After all – for as long as I could remember, hadn’t my life been one long track of unexpected events, each forcing me to move in a different direction anyway?

I guess I’m just trying to say that life has it’s up and downs, and in the last 18 months I have learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, life will sucker punch you hard. But being sucker punch isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unexpected yes, but bad – not necessarily.

I had no idea where this blog post would go when I first started writing it, but now that I’m here, I guess I’m writing this because I’m trying to make sense of that first sucker punch. That first punch was completed unexpected, but equally welcome. It felt right.

I’ve continued to have sucker punches since, but unlike the first, each subsequent punch has been undoubtedly negative. I’ve developed doubt. My confidence has taken a beating. I keep asking myself -why?

I can’t help but keep replaying that first punch, because I’m still trying to find the meaning of it. Especially since that first sucker punch relates directly to the last sucker punch I received, which has pushed me entirely off course.

For the first time in a long time, I feel utterly lost.

But I will find my way back. I always do. I still have that confidence within me, no matter how weak I feel.

I know I am being completely vague. But I’m back blogging. I’ve always found therapy in writing, and with each post I’ll start to open up more. The story will start to make more sense to you, and hopefully me as well! If I can’t find the answer, at the very least I hope I find inner peace.

As I finish off this post, I feel a little bit brighter already. I hope you’ll still join me and support me as I eventually find myself back to the same woman I was when I first entered my 30’s – strong, capable, confident and driven.

Until next time,

xx Mich

 

 

 

Farewell to my Roaring 20’s

IMG_7872

 

Tonight is the last night of my 20’s, and I’ve been thinking back over the  last decade.

I’ve had many ups and downs:

I’ve been broke

I’ve moved several times 

I’ve suffered incredible losses 

I’ve had my heart broken more than I think I’ve deserved

….But I’ve also learned a lot. I have discovered so many positive and wonderful things about myself.

I am STRONG

I am RESOURCEFUL

I am INTELLIGENT

I am INDEPENDANT

I WORK HARD

I am FIT

I am HEALTHY

I am SELF-SUFFICIENT

I am HAPPY

Along with all the highs I have experienced, I am grateful for all the lows I have endured, because they have taught me more about myself, others, and the world around me. Looking back I can see how much I have grown and developed, and I am proud of the person I am today. Without the valuable lessons of my 20’s, I would not be experiencing the happiness I do today.

Tonight I say goodbye to my 20’s with great thanks – thank you for all the sleepless nights, the fun and the lessons. Hopefully I have learned enough to enter my 30’s (a little) more wise and with (a bit) more maturity….. 30, I am ready for you! I am ready to accept all the good that I deserve, and I will be welcoming you with open arms tomorrow 🙂

With love,

Mich 🙂 xx

 

Fall down seven times, stand up eight

Life is a very interesting journey. We meet many people along the way, and we all face many challenges. Sometimes these challenges we face, including the people we meet, will test us greatly and knock us down. People we thought we knew to be kind and generous can turn out to be manipulative and cruel. Situations that we thought we knew the outcome to turn out to be otherwise. Life can knock us out completely, and as we lie bruised (and perhaps a bit bloodied) in the dirt, an ache will set into our hearts, doubt slowly creeps into our minds, and we can’t help but lose a little bit of faith in ourselves and in our journey.

“How can I go on?”
“How can I trust again – other people and my own decisions?”
“Why does this keep happening to me?”
“This hurts too much!”
“I don’t think I can keep going on.”
“Maybe I should give up.”

Do any of the above statements sound familiar to you? To be honest, I’d be surprised if anyone said that they didn’t find familiarity in at least one of the statements. I can most certainly relate myself, having uttered those same words a few times!

Life can be hard – but it won’t always be. We will experience pain – but it won’t last forever. There is so much of our lives that is unwritten, so many other joys and learning experiences to come – but we have to pick ourselves off the ground first. First, we must allow ourselves to grieve first, and to grieve deeply, as it is all a part of the process of learning, letting go, and moving on.

Where we go forth from here will all depend on our ATTITUDE.

If you believe that you are undeserving, that you are unloveable, that you are at fault, then I’m afraid to say that you will most likely end up to be like this.

However, if you believe that you ARE DESERVING, LOVEABLE, and that the actions of others have nothing to do with you, then that will be your reality.

The power of the mind – YOUR MIND – is GREAT. Whatever you think, you MAKE REALITY.

aaa-believe-in-what-you-want-poster

Believe in what you want – Karen Salmansohn http://http://notsalmon.com/ecard/believe-in-what-you-want/

I have been knocked down many times. I have suffered many disappointments and many heartaches. But I have picked myself up every single time. And whilst I may have thought that the pain was too much to endure, that I couldn’t go through it all again, I also knew that I am stronger than that. As cliched as it sounds, all of these events have made me stronger, and although I would not call myself wise, I have learned something every time.

Most recently, I have learned more about SELF-LOVE.

Self-love is something that I thought I had down pat, but I was wrong. Whilst I know that I like who I am, and I treat my body well (for the most part anyway, lol!), I wasn’t allowing myself develop my own personal interests further. Holding myself back from pursuing activities that I really wanted to do was stunting my own personal growth. I discovered that I was too willing to emotionally support others whilst putting my needs on the back burner.

I am very passionate about the gym and fitness. I love seeing my body change for the better, I love seeing my strength increase, and I love knowing that I am responsible for all the positive changes that have been made. I taught myself to be disciplined. I wanted it so badly, and I worked HARD for it. On top of all that, I love how a workout keeps my stress-levels down and clears my head. The endorphins my body releases make me FEEL SO GOOD after every single workout!

The sad thing is, I temporarily let my passion slide because I allowed myself to be dragged down by a selfish person.

The good news, is that since letting the toxic person leave my life, I have re-ignighted my passion. I have spent the last few months focusing on ME.

I have regained my fitness – I have more definition than I’ve had before, and I am proud of it! I love that I am toned and have little muscles, and I don’t care if other people don’t like it, because I’m doing it all for me! 🙂

fitness

I’ve also remembered that I’ve been interested in obtaining the qualifications to become a Personal Trainer. So guess what I did when I picked my bruised body up off of the dirt? I enrolled in the Master Trainer Course, starting next year!

I’ve always wanted to enter into a Fitness Model competition as well, so I’m planning to do that next year as well 🙂

I’ve put my mind to it, and I will achieve my goals because I know I WILL ACHIEVE whatever I set my mind to.

IMG_4412

I’ve jumped back onto the horse 😉

Is there anything you’ve been denying yourself? What are you going to do for YOU today?

 

Life is a beautiful struggle

Image

My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. I saw this coming – the signs were all there – but never-the-less I’m hurting.

More than just a partner, I have lost my best friend. We’ve known each other for over six years, and have been close for the past four.  But he did something to me that he’d never done to me as a friend.

He lied to me.

He hid from me.

He ignored me.

We’ve already said to each other that we don’t want to lose the others friendship. But do you know what we’re doing? We’re lying to each other all over again.

The basis of friendship is mutual trust and respect. That is long gone.

More than anything I am devastated that the friendship has finally dissolved. I actually feel like a huge chunk of me, my history, part of who I AM, is actually missing.

I know I’m just hurting. I know I will get through this – I always have, and I will never give up on myself – but I am bitterly disappointed that the friendship has ended.

I can only hope that this ending is the start of a greater, and more wonderful new beginning.

If I’m honest with myself, the quote most applicable to my now defunct relationship is this, from Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower :

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

At least I know now that I deserve better. I am ready to accept that love now.

I’m not sure if I believe in God, but if God does exist – please help me find the person who is deserving of my love. I have so much love to give. And I need someone who loves me just as much back.

Because true happiness in life is this:

Image

Practicing Gratitude

Today I have decided to introduce “Gratitude Thursday”.

Learning to be grateful, and subsequently integrating the art of paying gratitude on a daily basis, has helped to transform me in to a more positive and happy person.  Looking back, I am surprised at how much I have changed – but I am also thankful, and very proud of myself.

Gratitude wasn’t something I was taught. I had to learn it myself, and to learn it I had to remove myself from all the things that affected me in a negative manner. I was never going to learn to be grateful when I was constantly surrounded by people who were negative! From then, I also began to learn that I had the power to change my life for the better.

Whilst I do still find myself thinking negatively at times, I don’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity, like I had in the past. I do allow myself a short period of time to recognise and acknowledge to myself that something has made me feel bad, and that act reminds me that I am still human. Things will upset me, and this further reminds me that I have still have so much to learn, that I still have the potential to grow so much, and that I require self-love. Ultimately, I return to a positive state of mind because inherently I know that I have a good life. Obstacles in my life are there to test me – without struggle, there cannot be growth. I recognise that I am the person I am today because of the struggles I have faced. The lessons I have learned are invaluable, and I feel blessed.

Before I babble on too much, I suppose I should get to the point of my post today. Since gratitude has helped shape me into a more positive person, I have decided that I will dedicate my Thursday posts to writing about something I am grateful for.  And without further adieu….

Welcome to my first “Gratitude Thursday” post!

Today I am grateful for my friends.

Last night I helped my friends pack and move some of their belongings into their new place. They didn’t ask for my help, I simply volunteered – and I was grateful to do so. Having moved house about 12 times in the space of  10 years (three of those moves interstate!), I’d had a suspicion that they hadn’t gotten much done, and I knew that if I were in their shoes, I would certainly appreciate a few extra hands to help make the load a bit lighter.

More than understanding their situation, I WANTED to help. It was my way of showing to them my gratitude for their friendship and generous hospitality that they have shown me on so many occasions. Whilst our friendship only started a little over 12 months ago, it has been such an organic experience. It’s rare to find people that you just ‘click’ with these days, but it happened, and I am so grateful for that it has! I’ve been in Sydney for almost four years, but it is only now that I feel that I have started to build my Sydney family.

Short and sweet. Because gratitude is that easy! What are you grateful for today?

I’ll leave you with the beautiful sunset I was lucky enough to witness from my friends place whilst packing last night. I hope it inspires some gratitude in your hearts 🙂

xox With love, Mich

photo

 

Facing the naked truth

Like most women, I have had my fair share of body image issues to battle. Growing up as a half-caste/Eurasian first generation Australian, it is possible that my body issues may have been somewhat more complex as in addition to that, I have also had to struggle with the concept of my own identity.  I have dark brown eyes and dark brown hair, and at the age of 5 I thought I would never be the “prettiest” as was already conditioned to believe that the beauty ideal was to be a woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes.  Luckily, at the age of 5 this didn’t have any real effect on me –  I didn’t even have a true concept of how I was ‘different’ until I turned 13 and I started high school at a predominantly Anglo-Saxon Anglican school – a far cry from the mixed-race Catholic Primary School I had attended for seven years prior!

My image of myself was poor for the longest time, because people always felt the need to make negative comments abut the way I looked., and I can still vividly recall the first time I’d heard a negative comment about my body. I walking with my parents in our local shopping centre, my knobbly knees awkwardly poking out from underneath the pink, pleated polka dot knee-length skirt I had proudly convinced my mother to purchase for me the week beforehand. On our way to the grocery store, we walked past an older boy who was sitting down with two other girls. As I walked by, the boy made a loud comment to the other girls:

“Eww, look at her – she’s anorexic”.

Anorexic. A stranger called me anorexic. He said my body was disgusting, because he said “Ewww”.

That comment affected me so much. Who was he? Why did he say it? I didn’t know why, why I was deeply hurt. I stopped wearing skirts for years. Jeans became my clothing of choice, and I didn’t find the confidence to wear a short skirt again until the age of 20. That might not seem like a big deal, except for the fact that that first negative comment about me was made when I was merely 11 years of age.

Even if that comment had never been made to me, I would think  that it was pretty rough comment for any child to hear. The comment was completely uncalled for and incredibly rude. It felt malicious.

I was always a slim child, due to being genetically “blessed” (in my firm opinion, I was convinced I was rather “cursed”) with a high metabolism. I was active – I participated in sports, and I frequently spent time playing games outdoors. I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but I have met people over the years who have, and it is not something that should be made fun of. An eating disorder is a serious illness, and the sufferers of this illness deserve to be treated with care and respect – to make a mockery of their suffering is abhorrent. However, the anorexia comments continued to haunt me for years. The shopping centre incident at 11 wasn’t an isolated case – the comments about my frame, my weight, my perceived eating habits, debates about wether I was anorexic or bulimic, disapprovals about my fitness regime, etc, continue to this day.

I’ll tell you something of note – I’m due to turn 30 years of age this year.

The significance of reaching that milestone is that it indicates that I have had to deal with negative comments about how I look for ALMOST 20 YEARS. Considering that equates to two thirds of my entire life, it’s an unnecessarily long time to have to put up with unwanted, mis-informed and hurtful comments from people whom I don’t even know, let alone who know anything about me!

I never felt that I could talk to my mother about my own body image issues. I was worried that she wouldn’t understand, and I feared that wouldn’t take me seriously, or worse, that she would make a joke out of it. I was sensitive to the comments from others, and I didn’t want to feel any more downtrodden . But admittedly, my mother did help me – albeit, quite unintentionally, and in a way that she will probably never know.  The best thing that she ever did was purchase a full-length mirror…. a mirror that took residence in MY room.

It might sounds strange that a mirror would help someone with body issues – after all, I hated my body, so why would I want to look at it?  Well, to be honest, that’s exactly why I was glad the mirror arrived. I hated the way I looked so much, that I had the very clever idea that I would force myself to look at myself everyday. I would look at myself everyday until I started to recognise it, and learned to accept it.

I knew that I wouldn’t love it all, but I promised myself that I would find something that I did like about myself.  If there was something I found nice about myself, I couldn’t hate myself completely, could I?

Looking back, I think that my plan was quite brave for a 14 year old. At such a young age and with no guidance, I’d made a deal with myself to look into the mirror every day after my morning shower, and I would do so completely naked.

It seems full on. I can’t even remember how the idea came to me, but what I can tell you is that it WORKED. I knew I was going through puberty, I knew that the horrors wouldn’t last forever, and I knew that I still had a few years to grow into my body – and that knowledge did offer me comfort. I didn’t like how skinny I looked, or how tall I was getting, but I decided that I liked my eyes – I thought that they were big and brown and lovely. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, and I built on that over the years. I saw firsthand the changes that my body went through during puberty, and somehow that made the process a bit easier to bear.

Fast forward to the present. I am in the final months of my 20’s, and I  have looked at my naked body almost every day since that day as an awkward teenager of 14.  I’ve turned into a bit of  a gym junkie over the past few years, and when I look into that mirror…. I am really, really happy to see what I look like. I love that I have seen my body transform even further, and I love knowing that I worked had for it! I can honestly say that I have come to not only accept my body, but I am proud of it!

(Well, maybe I still wish I had bigger boobs. But hey, I’m happy none-the-less. You can’t have it all!)

Obviously, I didn’t come to this point of loving my body overnight – I’ve experienced 15 years worth of other lessons, which I cannot fit into this post, but I’m sure they will make their way into their own posts over time.  However, I know that my nude full-length mirror challenge has played an important part in my journey to accept my body, and has been very effective.

If I am ever blessed to have a family, and I am blessed with a daughter, I will encourage her to look at herself in the full-length mirror everyday, just as I did. I want her to learn to be comfortable with herself, and to accept how she looks.  I want her to see that her body will continue to change, and to understand that physical appearance does not last forever. I hope to teach her that ultimately, true beauty comes from the inside – it is who you are as a person, and it comes from accepting who you are. Beauty is not about trying to be someone you are not – because most people are playing that game, and it’s clearly not working because they’re still not happy. Self-confidence and acceptance will always shine through and light up a person, and those two traits will last well longer after physical beauty fades.  Feeling truly confident and happy within is also ultimately more attractive. A pretty face means nothing if insecurity is dimming the person from within – confidence is required  to light true beauty.

What are your thoughts? Would you  feel comfortable introducing the full-length mirror challenge to your daughter? More importantly, do you feel comfortable enough to do it yourself? Why or why not? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

With love, Mich xox