If there’s one thing I am certain about, it is that life is not easy. We face many challenges, and I truly believe that they are sent our way to test us. Whether we fail or we succeed, there is always something to learn.
I know that I have faced a fair few challenges in my life, and I daresay I feel that I have faced more than my fair share. But despite this, I believe that I have attempted everything that has been thrown my way, and by consistently trying, I have developed a stronger mindset.
I have failed more than I have succeeded. But failure has not been a bad thing – I have learned so much from my failed attempts, and the information I have gleaned from these failures have only better equipped me to try and try again.
I firmly believe in everything that I have stated above, because I have experienced it first hand. But I am also human. I have emotions, and I feel things very deeply.
Right now, I feel deeply hurt and rejected. It may not have been my wisest decision, but I have voiced to the Universe that I am disappointed, and I feel ripped off.
Have you ever experienced that sensation where you felt something was going to happen?Like the Universe was trying to get you attention to tell you something?
In August last year, I felt a change in the air. I was overcome with a sense of calm and a strong feeling that good things were coming my way. I can’t describe it any better than that, except that it was more than just a feeling, I KNEW that good things were coming.
And good things did come! A position I had hoped to apply for down the track had opened up. Although it came up 18 months earlier than I hoped, I have never been one to walk away from an opportunity. So I applied for the role, and was successful. I was finally making a move forward in my career, and I was escaping the toxicity of the office!
The new role was back in Perth, where I grew up. Although I really didn’t have a desire to leave Sydney – I love Sydney with my heart and soul – staying in that office environment was slowly destroying me.
Perth represented a break from me – I could ease into my role with less stress, and I could afford time to recharge.
Aside from my career, I have always wanted to be able to share my life with someone. I wanted a partnership with someone who equally wanted to share their life with me. Someone with similar goals and beliefs. We would support each other, we would help each other grow, and we would bring out the best in each other.
I had always hoped that I would meet a partner, but I also knew that if it never happened for me, I would still be fine on my own. To be honest, I was prepared that I would never meet anyone. But then, right at the 11th hour before I moved back to Perth, the Universe presented me with a wonderful gift – I met a man who was everything I had ever wanted.
The timing was not ideal. But he was worth it.
We fit so well. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone so quickly before – I never had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, and I trusted him so much that I began to tear my walls down. He felt the same way – he told me that he felt he could tell me anything and be himself with me at all times.
When I found him, I felt like I had found my home. I didn’t feel scared. I felt safe and calm.
Despite the distance, we swore to each other that we would make the effort, because we both believed that we were worth it.
For awhile things worked. Until one day, for no apparent reason, things stopped working.
To cut a long story short, he stopped communicating openly with me. No longer did he confide in me, and he withdraw all intimacy from me. He started confiding in someone else, and I suddenly found myself on the outside. And to this day, I don’t know what happened. He no longer opened up to me. I know that I did nothing wrong. But I can’t get rid of the strong feeling in my gut that something, or someone, played a part in him changing his mind.
As much as I want to know the truth as to what changed and why, I also know that in the whole scheme of things it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he stopped choosing me.
I have so many thoughts spurred on by unanswered questions. But once again, all is irrelevant as he stopped choosing me.
I was ready for love in my life. But he suddenly decided that he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure what I meant to him anymore.
I have spent a lot of time learning to love myself. I know that I deserve to be loved. So as much as I truly love him, I knew that I could not hang in there any longer, waiting and hoping against hope to find out if and when he could/would love me back.
I chose him. But I became an option. And that broke my heart.
I didn’t want to, but I knew that I had to preserve myself. I ended things.
Words cannot describe the heartbreak. I love him. I love him in the purest sense – he is a good man. I love him as I do my best friends.
Love means not holding on, and so I have had to let him go. I have no control over the situation. I can’t make someone ready. I can’t make someone love me.But I do wish him the best. I hope he heals. I hope one day he will be able to let someone love him.
Universe – I can’t help but feel so incredibly disappointed and ripped off. Why would you taunt me like that? All I had ever wished for was given to me, only to be taken away just as quickly.
Maybe he really wasn’t ready and he needs time to heal first. Maybe he just wasn’t the right person. I don’t know.
I’m frustrated and angry because I don’t see what this was supposed to teach me. Yes, I am impatient. But how many times to I have to suffer this heartache? It feels like that feeling of deep hurt is the only constant left in my life.
Universe – If I am not meant to have love in my life, then please stop playing games with me. I cannot handle any more heartbreak . It’s becoming harder and harder to repair the damage each time. I’m still grieving other losses as well, and I’m finding it difficult to find the light again. If anything – please help me heal. I need your help.
Universe – I ask you to help me let go and release this pain. Help me heal. I will move on.